I still think of you often. But not the same as I used to.

I still like you, but I'm starting to have my brain function again. 

I'm starting to move forward from where I was. I'm not going to let my world revolve around you.

I'm much happier now. Because I have friends who's been there from start till now. Friends that are more than happy to be with me. Friends that are really patient. Friend that are true to me. Friends that remind me that I can be much happier.

I've been failing my self-identity of being mataray for a month or two because of your existence. You made my brain stop functioning. And rebooting it isn't that easy. But I'm trying to. And I have to do it.

This is the last time I'd write about you. Because I want it to be equal now. Just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I'm still struggling. Moving on is hard. You know that, don't you? I know you care, so please, help me get over. 

 20 April 2009

12:12am

Sleepless.

I lie here in bed, helpless, because the internet connection is not that good tonight because of the rain. It's good that it's finally raining. But I'm still not sleepy. I hate nights like this. It makes me think too much.

My brain suddenly drifts back into thoughts of my past relationship. My long distance one, and my longest. It lasted for two and a half years. Although Jason and I were physically together for (only) a few weeks per year, I still bear happy memories of us.

But still, I admit. Being in a long distance relationship isn't the easiest. Especially in our case, where religion played a major role. I'm Catholic, he's an INC. Things were really tough.

I do also admit, that when I love someone, I only give my best. This, being a long distance love affair, made me feel that I should put more effort to show him that I loved him very much. And I did. And eventually, I became tired.

After two and a half years, I gave up.

You see, I personally feel that having that relationship made me feel very fulfilled. It was quite an experience. It was even close to becoming an achievement. But still, I may never choose to be in another long distance situation. I do not wish to have to go through the same situation ever again. I'm left here wondering where all the time during that two and a half year period went. I have already moved on about him, but still I'm left with this big hole on my chest. And I don't know what more I could do to fill it up. Not even the happiness of being single, nor the happiness of my friends' company heals the wound. It's hard, you know. When you completely understand what you've been through, but you don't know what you need to do to mend up all your silly brokenness. 

I guess time will be the only one to heal me up completely. 

I do wish It would be sooner. 

Everything hurts when it's all piled up on one another.

 God.

It's been really hot for the past few days. 

Maiah's here. Sleepover. Ooooh this is officially my first sleepover/drinking night. And I proved that I'm not allergic to alcohol. woot. Drank vodka.

Okay. I'm not allergic. But this heat is killing me. I'm having a hard time breathing because it's so hot and humid. Fuck. Hihikain na ata ako. I'm trying to flush the heat out by drinking lots of water. It isn't helping. It's. Just. Too. HOT. 

Nica. I hope you finish cleaning your room soon. This heat is killing my cyberhyperness.






So, yes,

I miss you. I haven't talked to you much for the longest time, and I don't have anything important to tell you. I just miss you.. D:

 I've been working out every afternoon for the past one and a half week -- straight.

And I don't think that was a good idea.

I've been working out for one hour everyday, and it's been okay. i started with 6 parts, 10 minutes each and water breaks in between. I increased that to 15 minutes per take. And today I decided to do 20minutes. After that 20 minutes, I went to get water and my heart started to skip a few beats. It's not what I normally experience.

I really don't think that was a good idea to jump to 20 per take. Am I THAT unfit? >_<

I'll rest up for today and start again tomorrow. 15 minutes then waterbreak. Will do that for an hour. D:

 Yes. This blog has gone more emo now than it should be. We shall now stop.

Aaaaand. I've been working out for the past week. Straight. Every day. 
I'm a person who wants instant results. And I am not seeing any. 

Shoot. Why am I so impatient. TwT

Anyways.

There's a con on the 25th. I was planning to go. But I was told yesterday that we'd have a family reunion on that day. So much for being excited to see HardGay again. D:

(BTW, I have a huge crush on HGPhilippines nao. XD)

 Because every single night that I can't fall asleep, all I think of  you.
It's all you, and you, and only you.
I'm exaggerating points and rethinking things that shouldn't be thought of in the first place.
And no, it isn't okay. I'm hurt, okay? I'm hurt though I know I have no right to be. I don't even have a valid reason to feel this way.
And when I sleep, I'll only dream of you. And last night, you were also in my dreams. We were in Y!M and your status was "The me you knew is already dead." I asked why, and you said there's nothing in the past that you have to come back to. WTF?

Oh God, why is this happening to me? D:
I'm confused more than ever. 

And I said this blog wouldn't be emo-ish anymore. And look.

This is a complete failure. Fail.



edit. 1:42am.
There's something I've been meaning to ask you. And now, I don't know if I should even bring it up. I feel numb and crappy.. You know when you're numb, but you still know that you're hurting. It feels.. wrong..


edit. Apr. 9. 3:52pm
I still feel crappy. Really crappy. I hate it all now. Why is it all so difficult? Can't it be a little bit more easier? I it because I mentioned it to you when we last talked? When you snapped? Seriously. You don't know either. It still hurts. Everything. 
And I don't really know anymore. Maybe I should stop. And I mean stop whatever this is I'm feeling. Because I don't know where this is all going in the first place. It just hurts. It all just hurts. Because everything is just too impossible. I am impossible. 

If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit.
                                                                                -He's Just Not That Into You

Wake up call.

"Baliw ka Reg"
               -Aiwa

I just hope this wakes me up.


Aiwa: haha ang sama ko pala.
Reg: Ayos lang.
Aiwa: haha.

Aiwa: Be happy reg. Pretend to be happy.
Aiwa: Tas magiging happy ka na din
Reg: Pretending is failing.
Reg: I want to be happy.
Reg: Genuinely happy.
...
Aiwa: Oo nga. Gago ka.

Sorry Aiwa. Naubusan ka na ata ng powers. Ang laki ko kasing pangontra. Sige na, emo na kung emo. D:
f

 Golda.

Last time I saw you was during an Ad Design class with Prof. Vitug.
Last time I talked to you was before that class. You were with Gemma. You were going out to drink before a class. Maiah was talking to you too. She was saying sorry. I hope you two are okay.
Last time I heard from you, it was your Multiply post on Vigan. Your super late update. Enjoyed the pictures you took.
And last thing I knew that happened, you're gone. They said you jumped from the 12th floor.

I did not believe what Maiah said. What she texted that morning. Saturday. March 28. I thought it was a joke. A really sick joke. You're Golda. Why would you?

Maiah called. She told me everything. Everything. And it felt wrong. I still didn't believe. I still feel you're there. Somewhere.

Saturday night. TV Patrol. They said a girl jumped to her death in Cubao. In a condotel. I felt my insides churn. It was you. I still denied it. I still believed that I'd see you on April 2 or during the next semester. Thesis ka na rin naman diba.

Colleen texted. She said tonight's your last mass. I want to go, see you one more time. But I don't think I can. I'm sorry Golda. I'll pray for you. For your happiness now. I'm really sorry.. 

I hope you're happy now. We didn't lose you. The heavens gained you. Be happy there..

 It's amazing how an innocent word or move can create such a catastrophic mess.

I'm amused.